might as well, i'm cold tonight.
guten nacht.

it don't matter if you're black or white.
sounds familiar doesn't it?
yea, it's a line from Black or White by the very pop king, Michael Jackson.
its ironic that he sang that. i mean, look at him,
he's borned black. and yet he craves to be white, hence all the cosmetic surgery.
he had underwent the knife 13 times?
its really freaky. and he's bald!
whatever.
i have no issues with him.

whatever.
i find that i am losing myself,
bit by bit, becoming a stranger to myself.
am i living in a fantasy world of my own?
is this a make-believe reality that i made up and all bubbled within?

i am not one to fuss over anything.
but there are boundaries.
yes, boundaries and issues.
take the usage of words for instance.
i absolutely dislike using words like 'whatever', 'k', and 'kk'.
and i'll only use it when i'm beyond annoyed and not wanting to go on about it.
gaaaaaaaaah!
i have many thoughts running through my head.
i am not going to rant about it though.
not tonight anyway.

"i am not judgmental".
repeat it 10 times.
if you are still feeling that you are more superior than the others,
welcome to the club!
that was random. and grrrr. this splitting headache just won't leave!

this is annoying.
i can't stand this lard tub, who thinks he's oh-so-hot,
but he's really just infested with flabs and lards.
i bet when he weighs himself, the scale would probably be spinning non-stop.
29 stones!
yes. he is fugly.
and retarded i must add.
it annoys me that such fugly beings are even alive!
fugly & retarded does complement one another! =)

i love to rant about retarded people with steph.
if only we live in a perfect world, free from fugtards.
fugtards - that is a word, created by yours truly,
made up of 3 words namely,
' fucking', 'ugly' & 'retard'.

are we all moulded to who we are by the environment we were brought up with?
damn. i told myself this was going to be a short entry.
but look! it had more than 2 lines already!
okay, i don't care. i had to rant.
i sing, i swim, i dance, i trashtalk and yes, i laugh at you!

i would share with the world about this other fugly being.
but lady luck's on his side tonight.
'cause i am tired.

P.S. if the song is affecting you already, you're still humanly sane.

i had no control over my thoughts.
ever felt this way -
you are trying to block out the thoughts
but its not working and it come as a flood,
bringing more thoughts along the way?
that is what i experience all the time.
its so ridiculous sometimes.
like this morning,
i have no idea where this randomness came from.
"i thought we are all pawns, brought to earth from some universe,
to be test subjects."
and i could be the very individual who had somehow malfunction
from the original concept/plan that they had programmed me to be;
gaining consciousness and allowing emotions to flow through me.
this is f.ucked.
so many annoying stuffs.

never explain.
your friends do not need it and your enemies will not believe it.
i ain't bothered.

shut my mind, please.

its so tight that your suffocating and you begin to wonder why.
only to realize that your only a step away from freedom.
i finally picked up my senses.

i am just another individual who will laugh at your language/mishap!
its funny, except when it happens to you.

i met up with farhan today. and i must say,
that i am highly amused to learn about certain things.
i will not elaborate about the stuffs we talked about.
it's amazing how we are still talking after all these years..
there are the quiet moments, when we don't talk for awhile.
but that's because we're both busy.
and it will be boring if we are talking everyday, no?
its nice to catch up once every blue moon. heh.
i'm glad we're still talking after all these years, too.

ANYWAY,
i need to rant tonight.
i am f.ucking annoyed with alot of things.
yes, i have issues with my life.
i cannot reveal what i am doing now for its highly sensitive.
& i f.ucking detest it when your being bumped around incessantly,
and having to do things that you CLEARLY have no interest in.

i looked back and saw nothing remarkable,
memorable and nothing worth reminiscing about.
i had accomplished nothing for the past 9 to 10 months!
that excludes the 1000 sit ups, that i completed in an hour's time.
i had done 1500 crunches before, so whats the real deal here?
it's dull and plain.
i lead a pathetic life, for now.
it's pretty demoralizing.
i was healthier then.
yes, i have certain health issues,
but they weren't alarming then.
why am i getting all the mistreatment here?
yes, i may had sinned.
but i don't deserve this, do i?

it's one f.ucked up society that we are living in today.
this is life. once you think you're happy, someone crushes it.
it sucks to think that there are thousands of childrens dying each day, from aids.
they are f.ucking innocent.
the mortality rate is rising and we're living in a selfish world,
where everyone is simply ruled by greed,
busying themselves with work and not doing anything to aid the ageing population.
it clearly has nothing to do with me,
cause after all, i'm just an individual,
ranting about random issue.
yes, it has nothing to do with me.
but i get annoyed.
i am annoyed when i read news on kids dying from getting abused.
or maids being mistreated.
do we take our life for granted and think that we are supremely superior over to the less fortunate ones?
the answer - yes, we do.
but it all boils down to you, individuals.
how comfortable and selfless you wanna/can be.
i really have no idea what i am writing.
it's clearly out of point.
point proven.
its thought-provoking at this moment, no?
maybe thats why i flunked my O's english.
nobody would had guessed that.
f.uck, i am still ashame of that.
i hated my grades.
i hated myself. and i thought i really suck at languages,
which turns out otherwise.
i am good. and i need no recognition from anyone.
you can judge me based on a piece of paper.
but you have no idea what you are missing out clearly.
f.uck sanity.
i like that. and i use that pretty often.
i am only alive because i am sane enough to keep me awake,
and also away from trouble.
but trouble always seem to find its course to me, somehow.
yes, i trouble myself alot.
too much thinking and too much thoughts.
and too much pride.
if only i have a delete button in my life,
i would delete the darkest moment and only keep the good ones.
see, thats being selfish.
f.uck.
i just got annoyed with myself for that.

giving up is easy.
i could run away from all this had i wanted to.
but no, i chose to stick around.
call me names for all you want.
i ain't bothered.
egoistical,
narcissistic,
arrogant,
nonchalant,
egocentric,
SOB,
and whatever.
i ain't bothered.
i pride myself for being able to handle my problems without having to turn to anyone.
i hate it especially when i get the randomness out of nowhere.
i am sarcastic, but i am sensitive too.
it irks me to find myself in this vicious cycle.
it replicate and propagates,
and it hinders my judgment.
"i am sane", i tell myself whenever i find myself there.
i am tired. of hiding behind these lying eyes.
i am tired of this smile that even i don't recgnize.

timecheck: 1.30am
i am tired and sleepy and i am nowhere near finishing with my rant(s).
i shall continue again, some nights when i am feeling the blues.
not cool. i should turn in now.
guten nacht.

i'm back to square one.
a new environment, again.
i'm tired.
and i'm feeling more alone tonight.
i just got something on my mind.
its impossible...

i need no pills to kill the pain.
i feel more alive this way.
fuck the pills.
instead of making me better,
you keep making me ill,
you keep making me ill.

you got me cornered,
quietly praying for some relieve.
your wickedness had me going nowhere.
& the painkillers had stopped killing the pain.
you're like a devil's advocate,
hanging around,
and tormenting me.
i writhe in pain,
while you celebrated with each triumphant rough up.
when the pills do well,
you're ousted from within,
and when you're outside me,
you see all the beauty,
repent all your sin
sinner or not,
you exist from within.
and you're killing me,
ever so slowly.
i'm fighting at ground zero.
and gravity pulls.
i pray for your departure.
i wish for your departure.
leave, pain, leave.
die, pain, die.
fuck my senses.
fuck you.
fuck.

i want no one else but you.

"to lose someone is a hurtful thing.
to know you can never get them back is devastating."
-quoted from zaki-

my friend's mom passed away yesterday morning.
i don't think there is anything that i can do,
except to lend a listening ear,
a shoulder to cry on if she ever needed one.
the dearest thing i had lost was my pet tortoise.
its a different equation here,
but its still a life at stake.
it got me thinking,
and wondering how i will take it
if it were to happen to me.
i don't think i'm ready to deal with losing anyone.
don't go leaving me behind.

reality stink/gs.
it forced me to become strong
when i just crave being weak.
i'm tired of hiding behind these blind eyes.
i'm tired of this smile that even i don't recognize.

i think i might like the quiet nights of this empty life.
and it will just be as quiet as when i leave.


a tribute to my friend's mom
and happy belated mother's day to all the moms out there.
i love you ma.

and it'll be just as quiet when i leave
as it was when i first got here.
i don't expect anything,
i don't expect anything.
all the waves of blame arrange as broken scenery
as they steal your best memories away.
what if i was someone different in your only history,
would you feel the same as i walk out the door?
never to see your face ever again,
never to see your face ever again.